Vettel Drowns Team With "Tears Of Joy"

It was a great moment for Sebastian Vettel when he crossed the line at Abu Dhabi. Not only did he clinch the title, but he also became the sport's youngest ever champion.

And clearly, emotions were running high in the cockpit of his Red Bull RB6, as he began to weep with joy. Unfortunately, during the radio transmission at the end of the race, his voice became too high pitched to be heard by humans . Luckily, this dog (below) was able to understand him.

"He was incredibly pleased that he won, he thanked the team .etc. You didn't miss out on much. Usual crap"


On the podium, Button and Hamilton stupidly poured champagne into Vettel's mouth. This was a bad idea, as there's nothing worse than an emotional drunk.


On his return to the pits, Vettel had cried so hard, that he almost drowned the whole of the Red Bull team in his own tears.

This image shows the scenes of horror, as Mark Webber and other Red Bull employees tried to scramble to safety. "It was a disaster", said Christian Horner. "We needed to be rescued by the National Guard"

Hamilton To Present New TV Show

It seems Lewis Hamilton really is becoming a household name. He's a Formula One world champion, he has a popstar girlfriend, and now he is presenting a brand new ITV television program called The Blame Game.



Naturally ITV producers are incredibly excited, and they revealed to Taking The Pits why he's the perfect choice for the show: "Well, nothing's ever Lewis's fault is it? In Australia he blamed the team for making the wrong tyre choice, in Valencia he claimed Vettel "hit him" even though it was blatently his fault, and perhaps most famously of all he tried to insinuate that his F-duct wasn't working when he was behind Nico Hulkenberg in Brazil. This is why he's perfect for the show".

During the Quiz, contestants must make a mistake, and attempt to blame someone else. If they manage to do this successfully they will earn a "blame token". Whoever has the most tokens at the end of the show, wins.



TV pundits are already tipping Hamilton to be the next Bruce Forsyth, albeit without the charisma. The show will air in the New Year, and will of course, be filmed in glorious High Definition.

Vettel Reveals New Sponsor!

It seems Sebastian Vettel is struggling to cope with the pressures of a title bid after crashing into team mate Mark Webber in Turkey, and then Jenson Button at Spa.

But no matter how stressed Sebastian gets, his blonde and curly hair will always be thick, shiny and healthy. Vettel recently revealed his new sponsor, L'Oreal shampoo, this week. And the shampoo certainly seems to be working. Not only is Vettel's hair dandruff free, it is also growing like wildfire, despite the fact that he is literally pulling his hair out (below).

In a recent interview with Sebastian we said: "We've got to be honest Sebastian, we didn't realise you had a hair problem". Sebastian replied: "I didn't until this year. But the product is so effective you wouldn't be able to notice. Thanks to L'Oreal's special formula of Amino Acids................." (at this point we zoned out, bored of the marketing bullshit).

Sebastian's hair is saved; because he's worth it!

New US GP Track Layout Uses Strange Influences

Hermann Tilke (Pictured Above) has revealed the outline to the forthcoming (2012) US Grand Prix. At a press conference earlier today, he payed a woefully painful, and creepy compliment to our esteemed friends at the BRDC.

The 3.2 mile circuit was revealed to have "elements of previous 'classic' circuits". He was referring to, amongst others, Silverstone. A first glance at the track layout didn't represent Silverstone, as there appeared to be places to overtake and occasionally places for spectators to sit.

It took a while, but read between the lines and the message becomes clear.

Mr. Tilke seems to have a monopoly on the F1 circuits. Of the 19 Circuits on the 2010 calender, 6 are of his design. Crucially, all of these are crap. This man is clearly stealing a living, and alongside the BRDC's theft of the British GP from Donington Park, the similar 'elements' that Tilke is referring to are clear to see.

Ferrari Blame Team Orders Fiasco On Out Of Control Jimmy Saville!

Ferrari have published the results of an internal investigation, after the Italian team came under much criticism for using team orders in the German Grand Prix.

The report, however, makes for interesting reading. It wasn't Domenicali or Di Montezemolo who were to blame, it was Jimmy Saville.

"FERNANDO IS FASTER THAN YOU" were the words shouted down the radio to Massa. Rob Smedley denies giving the team orders "Saville cheekily pushed me off my stool in the pit lane and commandeered the radio. That's why I apologised afterwards. By the time I was back on my feet, it was too late". Felipe Massa unfortunately mistook Saville for Smedley, as they both have similar accents.

The mentally disturbed Saville was convinced that Alonso had written in to Jim'll Fix It, a children's TV show that ran in the mid-70s. " The letter read: Jimmy can you fix it for me, to win the German Grand Prix? And by god I fixed it", said Saville from within his padded cell. Spaniard Alonso, of course, has never heard of Jim'll Fix It, but Felipe Massa still suspects foul play.

Ferrari are working hard to ensure that Janet Street-Porter doesn't try and attempt a similar feat at Spa. Not that Massa would be able to understand what she is saying..............

Deletraz To Make Hispania Comeback at Spa

After having replaced Karun Chandhok or Bruno Senna with Sakon Yanamoto in the last couple of races, there has been much speculation over who will be racing for Hispania after Formula One's four week break.

Many rich, and untalented drivers have been touted for the seat, such as the hapless former Minardi driver Alex Yoong, or former Super Aguri driver Yuji Ide. Even veteran F1 journeyman Giovanni Lavaggi is rumoured to have approached the team.

However Hispania rejected all these drivers, deciding to go for the richest and least talented driver of the lot: Jean-Denis Deletraz. The Swiss driver competed in three grands prix over the 1994/5 seasons for Larrousse and Pacific respectively. In his first race, he retired before being lapped ten times. Here's what Jonathan Palmer had to say on the matter:

Yes Délétraz, really, here having no business in Formula One. And demonstrating it there: he's spending all of his modest effort, frankly, keeping the car on the road. He's holding up Gerhard Berger there and has now lost a second on Nigel Mansell, in the Larrousse. This is, I'm afraid, one of the problems of the Grand Prix season - at the end of the year we do get one or two drivers being taken by people who've got more money than talent, and that's one example of it.

When racing for Pacific, Deletraz retired after 14 laps with cramp in his arm! However, Deletraz believes he is better prepared for F1 this time round, after having raced in the FIA GT1 Championship. "I will certainly get to the end of the race without cramp, I have been doing a lot of weights". Whether he gets lapped less than ten times remains to be seen.

Red Bull Attempt to Swap Webber's Points for Vettel's!

Despite their best efforts, it seems not even the Red Bull team could prevent Mark Webber from storming to victory in the British Grand Prix this weekend. 

It seems in Webber's case Red Bull really doesn't give you wings, after they took the upgraded front wing from his car and gave it to his team mate, Sebastian Vettel. Red Bull have thus far denied that they favour one driver over the other. However, in the light of today's developments it has been made crystal clear.

It has been reported that both Christian Horner and Helmut Marko have asked the FIA to swap Webber's points with Vettel's, in a desperate attempt to prevent the Australian from becoming world champion.

Horner finally admitted that he favoured Sebastian in this statement "I'll be honest, everybody at Red Bull wants Sebastian  to win, we didn't invest millions of pounds in his career to see some Australian bloke win the title".

SHOCK AS A GRAND PRIX ACTUALLY SELLS OUT!

The F1 world was shocked last weekend with news that the Canadian Grand Prix was a sell out. After getting used to the half empty grandstands at tracks such as Turkey and China, many drivers such as Felipe Massa blamed their poor performances on stage fright.

But it was non other than Bernie Ecclestone who was the most shocked in the F1 paddock "I won't, and can't believe that a Grand Prix has been financially viable". Last year, there was no Canadian Grand Prix because they refused to pay Ecclestone's extortionate fees. Recently, Ecclestone doubled Turkey's fee for the Grand Prix, and rumour has it, he is attempting to triple Canada's because of this year's success.

All of this begs the question is there an end to Bernie Ecclestone's greed? One rather detached journalist believes that Ecclestone conned satan into giving him immortality in exchange for an old BETAmax player.

In an interview earlier this year, Ecclestone revealed the logic of pricing tracks like Montreal and Spa out of F1. "Well the fans and drivers seem to enjoy them, so I thought I might as well try and get rid of them". Ecclestone hopes for a record low number of spectators at the European Grand Prix in Valencia.

BBC'S Humphrey Glues Ipad to Hand!

According to an insider at the BBC, F1 presenter Jake Humphrey has managed to glue a brand new Ipad to his hand. Humphrey has come under much criticism in the past couple of weeks for "showing off" his Ipad. BBC colleague David Coulthard said this in a heated, behind the scenes discussion "Okay Jake, you  have an Ipad, we get it!"

The ever streetwise Eddie Jordan also expressed his feelings on the topic "at the end of the day, it's an Iphone that doesn't make calls or fit in your pocket, what's the point?"

But Humphrey, who seemingly has a wardrobe made up of entirely pink shirts, defended himself by revealing he had accidentally glued it to his hand. "I was making an Airfix kit of a Ferrari F1 car. I reached for my Ipad to check the footie scores and.......there was still glue on my hand. It has been stuck to me for nearly a month now, i'm getting concerned".

Doctors fear they may have to amputate his hand if a solvent isn't found soon.

Insider Reveals Texas GP Layout

There has been much speculation in the media and the like regarding the potential nature of the forthcoming US GP. Early this week it was revealed that Hermann Tilke will be in charge of designing another underwhelming circuit, to add to the growing amount of underwhelming circuits on the F1 calendar.
An angry insider can exclusively reveal the initial layout for the track.

Tilke stated his delight at being chosen to design the new circuit and gives a unique insight into his in-depth design strategies and inspiration:

"It's fantastic to be designing the circuit for the American Grand Prix. I will earn a lot of money from basically doing the same thing; long straights and tight hairpins, in conjunction with twisty bits where drivers cannot overtake. I get my inspiration from all around me whether it be in plates of spaghetti or packets of cereal.  Inspiration for Abu Dhabi came from a free computer game, which was in a packet of Frosties."

And, according to Tilke, Turkey's Istanbul circuit is actually Shanghai inside-out. Whatever you think of Tilke he's here to stay, in a posh, air-conditioned hotel at the end of a long, long straight. All I can say is....Thank God for Spa.

For further discussion on Tilkes circuits please read this interesting article. Hermann Tilke

Exclusive: Hamilton To Manage Hamilton

Taking The Pits can exclusively reveal that Anthony Hamilton will be returning to sports management this year. However, he will not be managing his son Lewis or anyone in F1 for that matter. Hamilton is moving into the cut throat world of World Snooker, managing a player of the same name, Anthony Hamilton.


Anthony Hamilton is known in the snooker world as "The Sheriff of Pottingham", having been born in Nottingham. Hamilton was once a force in snooker; he is known as a prolific break builder and was #10 in the world at the height of his career. He played so well in the 99/2000 season that he said he was "...potting like a Casanova".

Recently he has dropped out of the top 16 and is delighted that he will be managed by the father of a world champion. "I am pleased to have him on board, if anyone can help me improve it's Anthony. He will make sure I have to do very little work and gain maximum success".

New manager Hamilton also joked about the differences between F1 and Snooker "The great thing about Anthony being a snooker player is, if he loses, he won't be able to blame the team!"

Hispania Racing Team Drop Dallara For New Supplier

Formula 1 wakes up to news which many have suspected for some time. Hispania Racing Team (HRT) have decided to drop Dallara in favour of a new chassis supplier.

Due to some poor performances of late, they have approached one of the worlds top chassis makers to develop the car. Lego

Lego are new on the F1 scene but have engraved their name on motorsport for some time. With a proud history of making Rally Cars, Touring Cars, Fire Engines and other cool looking cars, it is a move which will be warmly recieved in the F1 Paddock.

It is hoped with this new chassis the team can build on HRT rather imposing points tally of 0.

FIA To Act after Over-Take Gate

In light of the ugly scenes witnessed during the final lap of the Monaco GP, the FIA are to hold an emergency meeting over what action to take over the Over-Take Gate Scandal.

After running wide shortly before Anthony Noghes, Alonso was outrageously passed by Mercedes driver Schumacher. Stefano Domenicali gives his interpretation of the situation, "Our understanding is pretty clear, you can't overtake on the final lap".

FIA President Jean Todt commented, "How anyone can have the cheek to attempt a pass on a Ferrari car at this historic circuit is beyond us."

The stewards are still investigating, but it is expected to go in Ferrari's favour due to the Race Steward being none other than Schuey's bitter rival Damon Hill. Hill has hinted all weekend that he wanted to get his own back on Schumacher, who purposely crashed into Hill in order to win the 1994 World Championship.


(Please note this article was written BEFORE the FIA's decision to penalise Michael Schumacher, making it all the more amusing. THANKS FIA!)

Monaco to Give Schumacher Honorary Parking Space

Seven time world champion Michael Schumacher got more than he bargained for when he returned to Monaco this week.

The sovereign prince of Monaco decided to award the German driver an honorary parking space in the principality, in the exact space in which he decided to 'park' his Ferrari in qualifying for the 2006 Grand Prix.

In a cynical move to prevent Fernando Alonso from grabbing pole position in the dying moments, Schumacher pulled to a stop at the Rascasse just inches from the barrier, causing Alonso to abort his lap due to the Ferrari's dangerous position.

The honorary parking space is one only Michael can use. “This parking space is fantastic" said Michael "it's convenient for grocery shopping and it also means that I’ll be in the way all the time. I love that."

Many Monaco residents have shown disgust with Schumi's new parking space. A spokeswoman said "Traffic is already bad enough as it is without him blocking the roads".

BREAKING NEWS: Buemi to Release Pop Single.

Sebastien Buemi is about to go from F1 star to pop star this autumn after announcing plans to release a single.

The song will be a cover of The New Christy Minstrel's song Three Wheels on My Wagon. In Buemi's case the title will be changed to Two Wheels on My Wagon, following his Toro Rosso's suspension mishap in practice for this year’s Chinese Grand Prix, in which he lost both of his front wheels.

Pete Waterman, the famous record producer, will be working with Sebastian on the forthcoming record. "After the events in China an irresistible opportunity arose, I’ve always wanted to work with Sebastien, he has the voice of an angel".

The 22 year old Buemi will not be alone however, he will be joined on stage by Eddie Jordan who will play drums, Damon Hill who will play bass guitar and Jacques Villeneuve who will play guitar.



This isn't Villeneuve's first foray into music however, he released an album in 2007 named Private Paradise. The album was a flop, but Villeneuve hopes that this single will give his musical career a much needed boost.


Swiss driver Buemi will be star of the show however, and he couldn't hide his excitement. "I've dreamt of being a pop star ever since I was a little boy, finally I can be like Celine Dion".

The single will be released in October and the proceeds will go to charity.

Ferrari Propose F1 Talent Cap

After selfishly having blocked plans for a budget cap last season, which prevented F1 from having a full 26 car grid in 2010, Ferrari now proposes the introduction of a talent cap.

Ferrari's team principle Stefano Domenicali explains the reasons for this move "...designers like Adrian Newey and Ross Brawn are too talented, this gives other teams an unfair advantage, and it is bringing the sport into disrepute".

Since Ross Brawn left Fiorano in 2006, the once dominant Ferrari team is facing increased rivalry from the likes of McLaren, Mercedes (Brawn GP) and Red Bull putting Ferrari under increased pressure. Although the team did win the 2007 title with Kimi Raikkonen, it was a close affair and a far cry from the dominance of Schumacher.

Ross Brawn won the title with his own team last year, with the Red Bulls not far behind. This season McLaren return to the fray thanks to the talents of Tim Goss.

Jean Todt, who is Ferrari Employee first, FIA president second, recently allowed Ferrari to make changes to their unreliable engine. Unsurprisingly Todt backs the suggestion "These designers and engineers are preventing Ferrari from winning, which is why I think it is a good idea".

Ferrari plan to put the talent cap proposals forward to FOTA and the FIA at Silverstone. They hope it will be in force early next season.

Mclaren Blame Fish for Malaysia Qualifying Gaff.

Mclaren have published results of an investigation into why they made they made an immense cock-up of this year's Malaysian Grand Prix qualifying.

The team decided to stay in their garage and sit out an early downpour, only to find that conditions were getting worse. By the time Button and Hamilton had made it onto the track the rain had set in, leaving them unable to post a fast time. Button was 17th, and Hamilton 20th.

The results of the investigation were something of a surprise to many. The cause of this wasn't Mclaren's over-reliance on radars or Martin Whitmarsh's inability to look up at the sky and use common sense. The source of the problem lay in misinformation from veteran weatherman Michael Fish.

Fish famously scotched rumours of the impending 1987 hurricane that swept across the south of Britain and apparently assured Mclaren that “the rain would pass”. In a statement Mr. Fish blamed it on a colleague “I wasn't even on duty that day, it was Bill, so I cannot claim any responsibility whatsoever”.
Despite this claim, Mclaren have ended their relationship with the bespectacled weatherman on grounds of incompetence.

Breaking News: Nick Fry Sports Dubious Facial Hair

More to follow...

Virgin Racing Preview New VR-01 Aero Package

In a move which has caught the F1 paddock by surprise, Virgin Racing's Nick Wirth pubished new information regarding the VR-01 cars first major upgrade.





A spokesman said of the designs, "We're hopeful the proposed aero package can make us more competitive, as you can see from the images the car has come forward a long way". Wirth assures Virgin fans that, although the car looks basic, it will have enough fuel on board to get to the finish line.

The car will feature the proposed upgrades in Monaco, after freak atmospheric conditions caused localised ash clouds over Virgin Racing's base in Dinninton S. Yorkshire.

Exclusive: BRDC attempt to re-buy soul from Ecclestone at reduced rate

After the Silverstone Arena circuit was met with underwhelming response, the BRDC are attempting to inject some soul into the much maligned circuit. Sadly back on 7th Dec 2009 (http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/motorsport/formula_one/8397777.stm) the BRDC sold it's soul to re-aquire the British GP from Donington Park.

In an effort to combat the BRDC's reputation of having no ammenity, it was decided to try and buy back their soul, which was sold for £135million back in December.

However sources close to Silverstone reveal an offer has been made to re-buy it at a reduced rate. After attempting to fleece the pockets of motorsport fans at the FIA GT1 event by charging visitors for a free grid walk, Silverstone decided the time was right to call Bernie and make an offer.

No comment from Mr. Ecclestone was made as he is currently trying to inject the BRDC's soul into the lifeless corpse of Brabham, which the F1 surpemo attempted to murder back when he acquired the team in 1971. By 1988 he had succeeded in doing this.

Negotiations are currently ongoing...